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Essays |
Before Conversionby Tom Graffagnino
In an ultimately just universe, when one uses a God-given ability and talent to call attention to, promote and glorify oneself, the wheels will, sooner or later, come off the wagon. When one’s spiritual priorities are drastically disordered, God will find a way to "rein in" the wayward spirit. And without going into detail here, that is what happened in my case…. It is all too easy for "the artist…" or anyone else for that matter…to be deceived by the illusion and lure of chasing after the promise and "satisfaction" of personal success especially when it is at the expense of those things that are truly important in life. (After all, our idols rarely look like the wood-carved or metal-sculpted figurines of antiquity. These days our ‘gods’ mostly come disguised in more subtle garb than that!) But there IS something within each of us that desperately longs for recognition, approval, acceptance, comfort and security. We DO long to know and experience that something that we sense is missing in our lives, that something that would give our lives ultimate meaning, value and worth. And we are right to do so! That internal "longing" is very real, and it ought to be for us a persistent and profound reminder that,… Yes!... there really is something more that beckons to the soul which may be "found", which can satisfy our longing and which can give us joy and rest and peace. We can sense the beckoning and the Beckoner, because the beckoning is real, and the Beckoner is truly there. "Something" really is there. And "something" really is missing. And deep down inside, every human being is aware (however vaguely) of both of these disquieting facts. I am convinced that it is because of this persistent and universal longing and this "incompleteness"of the human soul that the artist is stirred initially to create. More importantly, I am also convinced that this same incompleteness is why all of humankind (from Borneo to Boston) is moved to worship. Indeed, it is from this need, this universally detected and profound inadequacy, that all of man’s religions spring. Regardless of his culture, his time in history or his degree of technological or "cerebral advancement", man has always desperately tried to scale the unscalable height, bridge the unbridgeable gap and fill the spiritually unfillable hole in his heart and soul. We are spoiled canvases, and we know it. And we have proudly set out to repaint and "fix" ourselves. (As if we would know where to begin at all!) Someone once said that, "All the religions of the heathen world are eloquent and pathetic evidences of man’s insatiable hunger for God…the faiths that men invented left their hearts eased, yet still aching…." Our efforts and proud striving to reach up to pull God down so that we may be fixed and set aright (however well-intended) will always fail. How we go about seeking to satisfy our innate and universal longing, where we turn and what road we travel as we seek to relieve the aching and find "completion", is life’s ultimate and final calling. It is mankind’s most pressing and most important need. It is life’s most important mystery to be resolved and the most important question to be answered. It is this universal spiritual hunger and thirst for Meaning, Reality and Rest that makes us unique as creatures on the planet, and it is why we alone are prompted to wonder, to imagine and to seek Truth and righteousness in the face of death. Marvelously, we have been spiritually "equipped" to detect this universal and existential ache and hunger of the heart. We are, apparently, designed in such a way that we are aware of our "incompleteness" just as we are also designed and made aware that there is something about death that is disturbing, "inopportune", unwelcome and perhaps even unnatural. And so we strive to understand that which we sense is somehow missing and amiss. We struggle to reconcile ourselves to the fact and the apprehension of dying. We want to find (rediscover?) that which we intuitively sense has been lost. Something in us deeply mourns this loss. And if we are wise, we press on with all our heart to alleviate that hunger, find what is missing and quell that apprehensive fear. We press on to commune with the Eternal and Holy Ideal for which humanity (universally) longs. And even though we may not be exactly sure what is so "naggingly" distorted and unrighteous in our soul that needs this fundamental healing, or why this thing called "death" seems to us to be more threatening stranger than comforting friend and lover, there is nevertheless an inner prompting that keeps us seeking both the answer and the cure.
Lord, give the meek and mourning seeker the will to be found by You, the true Lover of our souls. And then give those willing to be found the Grace and Faith to surrender to Your good, pleasing and perfect Will…….In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
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efore my
conversion to Christianity in 1993, I actively and vigorously pursued
exhibition opportunities in the United States
and abroad. I coveted,
sought after (and in some cases received) top-notch gallery representation
for my work. For a decade or more, I chased after those opportunities
relentlessly in the major metropolitan areas and art centers on the east
coast. I sought
one-man exhibitions and group shows at museums and
galleries. I entered and participated in regional and national painting
and drawing competitions. I painted. I sent slides, wrote letters, knocked
on doors, pounded the pavement, followed up leads, sought "art reps" and
painted some more……... Self-promotion and "making a name for myself" was
the name of the game.
